If I were to be homeless I think Id like it. Who, exactly, does that and why? I dream of dropping off the grid, living in a mobile home vehicle and settling where ever, traveling where ever and meeting whomever just for the sake of responsibility to myself, my passions and for the sake of living for justice in a world that makes no sense to me.
I just left the “friend” who told me how dare you say you are depressed – theirs nothing wrong with you, then he told me several other audacity insults, claiming they were all true, nothing short of being a total dictator and in a sociopathic scream every word that broke my heart, as piles of coal heaped onto my all ready burning heart.
Anyway, my son and I , well, we live in society, but barely. We are captive to our apartment that I literally hate. Its even a decent apartment, brand new appliances, carpet, paint, plenty of room. I moved here from Florida and there is no back windows. Plus, I am actually used to being able to go outside, from houses or other apartment homes. We now have one door, not much of a patio and I miss the outdoors and sunshine like crazy. I love nature. Best said to thine myself be true , I am more like an Annie Dillard and a sincere sort of admirer of Thoreau’s civil disobedience. Mostly, I just don’t like our apartment though.
So now, I have come down with several aliments of my health and undecidely gossip is rampid and some mentality of kind the common people that live here surely must think I am a fool. So and so said this, because I have a different mentality, more towards the right, an enfj, ya know. So..some give me dirty looks and it lays down low and crunches my soul every time. Now, and not because of that, I walk with my head down and this shame filled trauma kills me. As if someone might care. I just dare.
This time around, I am severely depressed and no one helps. I haven’t done much of anything except look for a job, how incredibly mundane. I find myself sleeping way more than usual. They, the ministry and councilors, look at me like your so smart and say why cant you find a job, yes, well, Id like you to walk in my shoes.
And just because I’m a little bit slow to common answers; … get busy, pray harder, do better, find any job, get married, get your son to stop gaming, your smarter than this, try harder, get over it or get over it… Please, do not overtly assume anything common place about me or people like us. People are complicated, unless your a doing robot. I want to love and be loved just as anyone would. I want to help and be helped. I want to join and be committed. I want to honor God, but, what I’m doing lately is sleeping away my pain, alot. Wish I could jump off the grid with swinging rides and with simple things except my computer of course. I figure It would be better living instead of conforming to this crazy messed up contradictory world.
So yeah, I’m severely depressed, a walking, talking, functioning, belittling kind of depressed. I’m wasting precious time. I’ve learned I will not be a subject to any king of negligent behavior. Just as the cycle continues , we think… I’ll never submit to emotional abuse again, and yet, here I am, raw, eager, hopeless and hopeful.
Its not just about the old narcissist, its way more. My mom died you know, I haven’t found a paycheck in quite a few months, even with my education and certifications. There’s more too. However, I can feel, even as I write…its temporary. But, for how long I do not know. I think this; if your strong enough, it is up to me and you.
Im tired, its time to be honest.
Be strong! Be courageous! Do not be afraid of them! For the Lord your God will be with you. He will neither fail nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6